The Death of Appletuft
Perfect by Design Mapleberry Unplug the clock, I’m running out of time I’m tired of everything that I called mine I’m sick of trying to find a word that works “Appletuft?” No response. “APPLETUFT!” No response. Nothing. I open my mouth to scream, but close it when I hear a whisper. “Mousetail?” she breathes. It’s barely audible. I bite back another scream. She thinks I’m her sister, who died moons ago. “It’s Mapleberry,” I choke out. “Your daughter.” An ocean filled with photographs and names I hang them on my wall without a frame A million strangers passing by and stare I swear I’m running fast but go nowhere “Who?” she asks. She doesn’t remember me. Quailwing warned me about this. “Mapleberry,” I whisper softly, my heart breaking. Will I always be this broken? ''I ask myself. I hate feeling broken. It reminds me of every loss. My father. My mate. Now, my mother. She’s stopped breathing. Stopped moving. Her russet fur blows in the wind. Her scent is still here, but it is slowly being overtaken by the scent of death. This time, I really do scream. ''Can you rip the stitches one by one? I’ll wake you up and let you know it’s done You can hide but you know you '''''can’t run The vigil is over. Every cat is gone. Her body is growing colder every second. I dare not leave her alone. “Come, get some sleep,” someone murmurs. I turn around slowly. For a moment, it appears to be Appletuft, and the lump in my throat disappears. The cat gets closer, and I see it is really my son, his russet fur so reminiscent of my mother’s. I shake my head. “I can’t leave her,” I croak, my voice sounding like it hadn’t been used in moons. I can see in his eyes that he knows I am broken. But he wants me -needs me- to get better, and so I will. On the outside, at least. Time and time again we fall in line Cookie cutter houses all aligned Everything is perfect by design So why can’t I escape from my own '''''mind? It’s been a moon since she joined StarClan. My grief has slowly turned into a numbness that has slowly replaced my very being. Everything I do is slow. It’s the only speed at which I can function. I am no longer myself. Mapleberry died with her mother. I am nothing. Patiently awaiting something new Something that won’t remind me of you Open up the door, I’m leaving '''''soon If no one mentions her, will they disappear? Everything reminds me of everyone. Every time I look at my sister, I see my father’s face, and I know she sees our mother in me. Whenever I spend time with my kits, all I can see is sharp claws slicing through my mate’s gray fur. I tried to catch a mouse, but I couldn’t kill it, because it reminded me of my mother. So I let it go. Maybe, if I let Appletuft go, I will be whole again. But she clings to me like I used to cling to her. The corners of my mind are closing in Rip away, defenses wearing thin If it ends, then where do I '''''begin? How did this get underneath my '''''skin? Leaf-bare has turned to new-leaf. The season I was born. I have no idea how long it’s been since Appletuft died. I have to know. It will drive me crazy if I don’t find out. But no one wants to talk about her, especially to me. So I seek out the only cat I trust to tell me the truth. Duckfeather, my sister’s mate. “How long has it been since Appletuft died?” I ask, surprising myself with how calm and collected I sound. I feel calm and collected, too. I can finally say that she died without my mind screaming at me. Duckfeather looks at me sadly. “Three seasons,” she responds. Three seasons. I am suddenly mad at myself. It took me three seasons to put myself back together. My littermates are still broken. And that realization breaks me all over again. Let me know when it’s all said '''''and done Let me know when it’s all said '''''and done Let me know when it’s all said '''''and done Let me know when it’s all said '''''and done My sister is dead. She’d been starving herself for three seasons. If she hadn’t done that, if she’d been stronger, she could’ve fought the infection. RiverClan would still have a deputy. My brother has withdrawn himself. He shuts himself in his den, and talks to no one. He will never be whole again. I remember when I thought I would never be whole again. But now, I can’t afford to break. The Clan looks to me, and I have no idea why. Maybe they think that Turtlestar will talk to me. I’ve tried, but he says nothing. Regardless, I lead RiverClan now. I will be the one who chooses the next leader when my brother is dead. My sister’s death may kill my brother, but it has brought me back to life. Why Run? Turtlestar Darkness. It is everything. It is my world. And it is incredibly peaceful. But I feel… stuck. No, confined. I run and run, but to no avail. Why run? ''A voice in my head whispers, and I stop. ''Why run? A scream pierces my darkness like a blinding ray of light. My eyes fly open, and the first thing I see is a flash of white fur. Snowpaw. She’s standing outside my den, her blue eyes as wide as the moon had been the night before. “M-maple…” she stutters, and now I know who screamed. The day has passed. My mother has joined StarClan. She has been buried in the ground. She will be cold now, forever. Like ice. We will all grieve tonight. Mapleberry has all the time in the world to piece herself back together. I resent her for this, even though I should not. You chose this path, ''the voice sneers. It mocks me. This voice is no friend of mine. Why run? ''It -no, he- snarls, and, for the first time, I wonder if StarClan is really with me. In the three seasons since Appletuft’s death, my family has fallen apart. Mapleberry is only a ghost of her former self, hiding in a shell that is slowly absorbing her. My other sister, Furzeclaw, is a wreck. She won’t eat, won’t drink, and screams in her sleep. She’s taken to sharing my den, so that no one knows of her suffering. But I know. I am simply a passive observer in this event, and ''he ''won’t let me forget. ''Your mother is dead, ''he hisses. ''You show no sympathy, Turtlestar. What kind of son are you? What kind of brother? “I am leader of RiverClan!” I shout, and Furzeclaw wearily turns to look at me. “Go back to sleep, Turtlestar,” she whispers. “Not until you eat,” I argue stubbornly, but sleep eventually calls me. ''He ''is there. I can see his yellow eyes gleaming in the moonlight. “We know what you’ve done,” he snarls. He was no longer just a voice. He was real. “I’ve always been real,” he says. When I try to speak, nothing comes out. Then I realize that I am the voice inside his head. “You are nothing,” he growls. “And you’ve killed another, Turtlestar.” I open my eyes again, already knowing what I would see. Guilt washes over me, drowning me. My sister was starving herself, and I did nothing. Now Furzeclaw, my dear, darling sister, has joined our parents. The tables have turned, and I have taken Mapleberry’s place. How is it that Mapleberry, who chose the life of a permanent queen, who was so broken after our mother’s death, is leading the Clan? ''She doesn’t care, ''he whispers, and I realize with horror that some small part of me agrees. ''Show her who the true leader of RiverClan is! ''he exclaims. But whenever I think about living normally, without Furzeclaw, who was not only my sister but my deputy, who I trusted above all, I mentally collapse. I can’t live life without her. No deputy, no leader, will be like her. She cannot be replaced. ''Why run? ''Category:Fanfiction Category:Completed Fanfiction Category:Songfiction